~Read where you left off here~
So the line was pink. I was officially pregnant. Again.
It happened so much faster than we had anticipated. It was no longer a debate of being ready, because ready or not, it was happening. One week after learning we were expecting our second little one, my husbands parents were scheduled to come for a visit. We debated whether or not to share the news, it was SO early after all, but we decided if this pregnancy ended prematurely, their support would be so needed, so we told them.
That just reinforced how great it was. They were ecstatic! Of course they were, what grandparents aren’t excited to learn they will be welcoming more grandchildren? I looked to my mother in law for support, my husband and his older brother are only 13 months apart after all. She reiterated what we already knew, it would be hard in the beginning, but so worth it. And we had planned it after all, it will all work out in the end!
Overall the first few weeks I felt pretty good. I still had energy, continued my workouts, and kept up with life. Things were great!
Then I was struck with vertigo.
I had cared for patients with vertigo, and knew it was awful, but I always thought they were over dramatic. But let me tell you, from first hand experience, it is all consuming. When you feel like the world around you is spinning, and closing your eyes just makes it worse, and you haven’t figured out what triggers it so it hits you randomly, it is hard. So hard. Even harder when you have a toddler to care for, and pregnancy nausea has hit. The vertigo was the worst in the morning, which, lucky for me, coincided with when I was feeling the most nauseated. The two just fed off each other and I felt awful. Caring for Nugget was even harder, because bending down or doing anything that required me moving my head out of vertical, set it off. Add that to nausea and it was a sure fire recipe for a trip to visit the porcelain throne. But I was lucky, after couple of weeks, it self-resolved. I didn’t really do much besides give into my salt cravings and drink as much water as I wanted.
But all the vomiting did a number on my core. The force required for that really puts some pressure on the pelvic floor, I now understand why some women leak when they throw up! I started having a lot of heaviness and discomfort. I freaked out. I was so worried that I was causing my prolapse to return and went to a pretty dark place. The combination of vertigo, with pelvic floor symptoms and exhaustion all added up to my headspace being all out of whack. I had a lot of very negative thoughts. There were many moments where I freaked out that I was damaging my body beyond repair. I even had really low moments where I hoped I would just miscarry so I could not worry about it anymore. I laid in bed crying, feeling like a terrible person and mother for wishing this very much planned, very much wanted, pregnancy away. The emotional turmoil you go through after being diagnosed with prolapse can really mess with you, and I didn’t realize how deeply, until then. It was like I was back to the day I was diagnosed, spiraling down a dark hole of ‘what ifs’, fearing I would never get out again.
I talked to some other moms they offered so much great support. They validated my feelings and helped me see what was really important – that I wanted this baby and I knew exactly what to do to get him or her here as safely as possible.
My symptoms waxed and waned over the next few weeks, and came to a peak around 11 weeks. I finally asked my prolapse support group, and they all suggested I talk to my pelvic floor physio. I mean, I knew I should, but I was in a bit of denial. I let my ego get the best of me, and thought I knew everything I possibly could, and there was nothing she could tell me that would help. But I emailed her anyway, and I am so glad I did. She replied quickly, and said it was totally normal to feel like that at the end of the first trimester. The uterus gets heavy, but has not come up above the pubic bone yet, so the entire weight of it is supported by the PF muscles. She reminded me to take it easy and it should pass, but to call her if I had any questions.
And she was right! Within a week, all my symptoms were gone! I even went on an 8 km hike up a mountain, and felt totally fine at the end and still the next day!
Then I was just tired.
So. So. Tired.
I never really noticed the exhaustion with Nugget, because I didn’t already have a kid and could sleep or nap whenever I wanted. Not the case when you have a 15 month old who gets up at 6 or 7 every morning. No sleeping in when you’re a parent, and even less so when your husband is working 6 or 7 days a week. This did not work out well with working nights. I work nights the majority of the time, and it was catching up with me. I started getting reflux to the point where I avoided eating because it felt like nothing ever left my stomach, I basically felt like my digestion came to a screeching halt. I started losing weight, which is the opposite of what you want to happen in pregnancy. Not to mention I was basically a zombie whenever I was not working. My poor toddler had the worst mom.
I talked to my midwife, and we agreed it would be best if I stopped working nights. I felt so guilty coming to that decision. I actually quite enjoy night shift! Plus, as a nurse, working nights is a bit of a badge of honor. I felt like I was being a baby by giving them up so early in my pregnancy, but I knew I had to do what was best for me and this baby.
It was like the clouds parted. I was finally sleeping at the same time every night, and sleeping through the night again. Before, with such a wonky sleep schedule, I was waking every couple hours because my body couldn’t figure out it’s rhythm. My reflux resolved, I had energy to exercise and play with Nugget again, and surprisingly my skin almost completely cleared up!
Moving into the second trimester, I finally started feeling like myself again.